June 2009
18 posts
I Don't Fuck Smurfs
keithallendavis:
Last night went well. That is until I told a woman that I could smell her period. Everything became a blur of obscenities, the Cupid Shuffle, and spilled drinks after that. Our group took up one-third of the bar and 100% of the dance floor. I breezed through the crowd, to the back (gangsta like that), but stopped once a hand caught my arm. It was some 40+ troll. She looked like...
Miss Carrie's Rock Collection
keithallendavis:
One day, during my junior English class, the teacher saw a book sitting on my desk. I had been going through a “serial killer-true crime”-phase that I’m still not completely out of. The title of the book was “In the Name of Satan”. She informed me that I should not bring a book of that nature into her classroom. Instead of letting it go after that, she just stood there next to...
Fuckity Fuck-Fuck
anthonybergen:
keithallendavis:
Fuck your parents. Fuck your teachers. Fuck your bosses. Fuck your guidance counselors. Fuck everyone who tries telling you what you should do with your life. You want to be a complacent piece of shit who sits around and plays WoW all fucking day? Have at it! If that’s what makes you happy; go fucking apeshit on that gaming controller. You want to lie on the...
You and Your Trickery
Earlier this evening...
My Wife: I'm fertile today. My cervix is soft and squishy.
Me: Are you fingerbanging yourself right now?
My Wife: No...Yes...shut up, I'm feeling my cervix.
Me: Stay away from my french fries.
Later this evening...
Me: Darling, I think we just created a baby.
My Wife: I don't know...do you think?
Me: That might have been the time.
My Wife: Well, I'm not actually ovulating right now.
Me: What?
My Wife: Yeah, haha, not really.
Me: You fucking tricked me into fucking you from three positions? Seriously? You're telling me that I'm out of fucking breath right now because you tricked me?
My Wife: Hahahahahaha
Me: Not funny...I feel used.
My Wife: Hahahahaha
Me: But I kind of liked it.
My Wife: Me, too. It almost hurt.
Me: Words every guy wants to hear.
Not My Problem
keithallendavis:
Sometimes my wife gets upset with me because instead of joining her in bed, I choose to fag out in the office listening to the Black Eyed Peas and playing Bejeweled 2 Deluxe. Eat a dick for judging me, I also own Fergie’s The Dutchess. I could play it off, like, “Oh, I actually meant to grab John Fogerty’s Greatest Hits, snagged Fergie on accident”, but that’s probably even more...
anthonybergen:
I’m 29 years old. It’s 12:38 AM on a Wednesday morning. And I am sitting at my desk, reading a book about Peter The Great, scanning my Tumblr, and drinking Hansen’s 100% Natural Apple juice.
I used to go to parties at the fucking Bunny Ranch. What the fuck happened?
